Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths

doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking

I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.

They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.

“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now

Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?

Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.

*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*

My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.

Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.

Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?

Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.

Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”

[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people

Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”

WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD

Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.

I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat

Important question of the day:

Are centaurs technically insects?

They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…

There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.

You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.

“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”

RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?

HAIR: Yeah!

RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.

I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.

If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards

My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little

11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.

A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.

The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.

The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!

A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.

Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead