@mrjohndarby

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

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@PaulyPeligroso

Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?

@BuckyIsotope

Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage

@OffTheHutch

“So send me a picture of you…”

*sends*

“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”

@JustBeingEmma

Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday

@ChipKellysBalls

What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?

@chrisscamurra

CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?

@Ygrene

[thinking about humanity]

we should all help each other

[thinking about individual humans]

well maybe not