Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

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Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?


Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
And fromage


“So send me a picture of you…”


“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”


Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.


What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?


CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?


[thinking about humanity]

we should all help each other

[thinking about individual humans]

well maybe not