[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.
I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
How do you milk an almond?
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
