Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
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[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Everyone you know is fighting battles you don’t know about, except for me who just can not shut up about his battles
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
want me to check your oil?
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?
He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile
#LunchPun
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field