Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
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“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Lmao
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
My life in a nutshell
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot