Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
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The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now
peeping toms
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
