Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
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When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
dam girl
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
This kid is going places
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.