Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
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I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
no regrets
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
We’ve all been there…
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
No, you’re not getting it your honor
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones