Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted

HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?

HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?

*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO

5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?

I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.

“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe

*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.

Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?

uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”

If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing

If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.

Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.

[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary

Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.

Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.

Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*

Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.

HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful

Me: They are going to pay for saying that

In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.

Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.

is this a warning or an offer?

Costco ….

Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….

and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.

[arriving in hell]

him: so what did you do?

me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea

Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?

Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning

A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.