Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.

You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.

If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.

There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.

[using Ouija Board]

“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”

the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.

My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.

*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*

Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?

The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini

11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day

Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.

The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?

[1st Date]

Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…

Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?

If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU

Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.

All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves

I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.

I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.

Looking for a date, he must

-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long

“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels

pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron

I was once killed by a shark escalator.

ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.

toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.

Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.

Me: Well this is awkward.

Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.