Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
You Might Also Like
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
The 4 stages of a family vacation
