Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

According to this box of macaroni and cheese, I am an entire family.

pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.

If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?

HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?

The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500

People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary

Employee: sir, this is a haunted house

Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary

I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.

guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy

guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop

Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.

The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them

CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how

Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated

Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.

Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*

You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products

Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano

*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule

Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?

Me- Never, just ask my husband.

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*

finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all

Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.

I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.

Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.

Then I heard her stomach rumble.

‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’

– Our sodding cat

I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee

These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?