Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
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Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
[The next day]
Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went
George Michael: She woke me up before she went went
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
you could not pay me to delete this app
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*