Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
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For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*
*Sits down triumphantly*
*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
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I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.