RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
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I’m putting together a team
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
As a doctor, I can confirm
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.