RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
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Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
#TopTip
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat