SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
You Might Also Like
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.