“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
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Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Before you take surf lessons, you have to sign a waver.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.