Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.

I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.

[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]

SCARECROW: If I only had a brain

DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas

TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you

I have so many questions.

Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.

Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.

Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit

BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?

ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile

I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.

A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.

What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?

Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.

Her: OMG I love The Rock.

Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?

[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light

[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some

You Matter.

Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.

Then you Energy.

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste

Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?

“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.

Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.

Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex

[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.

They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.

Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.

Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?