“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
You Might Also Like
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Yes, this is exactly right
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?