“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
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SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
