Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
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This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else