Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4: *hands me a broken toy*

Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it

4: ok but be careful next time

Me:

Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.

My kids tell me I drink too much.

It’s funny they don’t make the connection.

I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician

[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk

[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

I miss you like an idiot misses the point.

shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.

I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now

~ toddlers

[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”

Finish the sentence here:

📷: elevasseur

[Commercial for narrators]

Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS

[at hair salon]

Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!!

[in car two minutes later]

Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair

Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”

my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.

At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)

[in hell]

Me: omg is that melted cheese

Satan: no it’s lav-

Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot

i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening

[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that

Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.

As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence

Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.

Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans

A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now