Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
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GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
