Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
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Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
I am, perchance
I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.