Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
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*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Chicago sounds lovely.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Britain be like
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.