Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]

vending machine: i have a boyfriend

imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day

Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.

ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.

Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse

This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.

Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.

If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”

My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.

Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭

Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.

me: it’s an egg dying party!

8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?

My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”

“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”

Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?

*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.

M: Wanna try tantrum sex?

W: You mean “tantric”?

M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!

[travels back in time]

[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]

I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.

My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”

Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.

Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.

WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.

I once drove a girl home from the pub and she spent the entire time messing with my car radio and changing the music then she said we should hang out sometime and I said “absolutely not”

I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.

“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”