Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”

My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months

Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.

Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.

shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE

sheepdog: god i hate this guy

sheep: BAH BAH BAH

sheepdog: ok i hate all of you

Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.

I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.

Guess we’re both living the dream.

When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:

the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law

Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.

When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.

I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.

-me canceling my Dr appt

I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”

I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.

I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.

Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!

A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.

MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]

not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron

i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”

My child: Picks cookie with the most icing

Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off

There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.

Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……

Me:….*shoe ready in hand*

Also me: you’re actually kinda cute

Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*

Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*

Watch Forrest Gump

*feel inspired

*toss orthotics out, go for jog

*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker