Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: I’m going in, cover me!

Me:*speed knits blanket*

(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.

Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.

brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it

Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍

ME: how about a horn solo

DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works

[World War One]

Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”

4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.

Me: What’s wrong baby girl?

4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.

pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed

Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*

Him: oh yeah

[my place]

Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!

There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?

“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”

I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.

Someone garnished my wage.

me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember

OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.

Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.

I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.

Just bought a universal remote control.

…I really wish, this changes everything..

My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.

If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.

Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one

If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.

My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.

Me: Babe, I got carded today!

Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.

Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?

As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….

I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.

Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.

Marriage.

Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.