Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?

A wise man once said nothing.

Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships

Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.

just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running

*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope

Date: so what’s your love language?

Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it

My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?

“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”

-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up

Writing, She Murdered.

If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.

“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER

My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off

ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”

911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?

ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”

[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”

Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.

*finally watches it*

Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?

Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy

Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”

What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline

Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.

Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.

17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.

Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.