Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.

Boss: You mean up?

Me: No, updog.

Boss: What’s updog?

Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.

I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.

The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.

Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.

*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.

4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.

Me: How do you know?

4: I licked it.

*bludgeons you with a block of cheese

*eats evidence

Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.

The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.

I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face

The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.

Being Tall:

Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.

Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*

me: do you have anything for dry skin?

pharmacist: aloe.

me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.

If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test

went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …

I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back

You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.

If both don’t work out…eat a cake.

I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.

Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.

Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow

Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you

Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

Hmm 🧐

so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion

“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.