Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear

Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review

Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat

Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.

Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy

“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”

10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades

Me: Cool

Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor

Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud

I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.

my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”

My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.

[1st day as judge]

Murderer: [waves at me]

Me [waves back]: He seems nice

Lawyer: He killed six people

Me: He probably didn’t mean it

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

3: Mommy, I hid your phone.

Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.

Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.

Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.

If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?

Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.

can I use a minion as a tampon

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: watching Doc McStuffins.

Wife: but the kids are in bed.

Me: so?

Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?

Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?

Wife:

Me:

Wife: so what’s this episode about?

If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.

interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”

me: that’s right

interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”

me: he was there

Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes

Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.

Me: I think I’d rather drive.

Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.

Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.

I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.

Affordable healthcare, bb!

People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something

CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”