Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*chases cat around the house with a lint roller

-gets $127 phone bill

1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance

2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month

Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…

me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok

Invention of the hug:

“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”

Travel bloggers during quarantine

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.

If you have joint pain..

You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.

Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.

You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.

I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do

THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

me: hey what’s your ring size

her: omg why

me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

Watson was Holmes schooled

*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*

*grass dies due to lack of water*

Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands

I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot

The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.

Him: Fresh Parmesan?

Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!

“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here

I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.

My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.

We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.

After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.

There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.

The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.

I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.

The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.

Me: *grimaces, accepts call*

Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!

Me: Meow

I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*