Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb

publisher: what?

milne: the tiger can’t spell

publisher: no

milne: the bear won’t wear pants

publisher: *getting up* this is terrible

milne: there’s a depressed donkey

publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?

spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic

You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder

People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?

DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.

stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.

who named him groot and not spruce lee

In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.

Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?

eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.

absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted

Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame

Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands

If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.

AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire

Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.

Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best

I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.

This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total

“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]

What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where

Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”

Me: If you could sleep with —

Wife: Ryan Reynolds!

Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.

My birthstone is a marshmallow.