Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
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you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
