Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
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If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.