Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Wakes up*

“Wow I feel pretty good”

*Moves body*

“Maybe I spoke too soon”

her: and what do you do?

me: I’m a mail escort

postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific

@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!

Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.

Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.

Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.

the Monday after daylight savings

nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed

my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”

I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”

You: how are you?

Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.

You: what?

Me: Good. I’m good.

When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.

I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.

Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.

I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.

Doctor: so your blood type is-

Vampire: ALL of them

I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.

in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone

MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?

ME: no

MT: i wasn’t asking

ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were

If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.

My snack didn’t taste very good.

Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch

I know. Life’s tough.

Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.