Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
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Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase