Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?

No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.

KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat

DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes

[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]

“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”

And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”

If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.

The first matador

“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”

I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?

I get it fireworks, people set me off too.

horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts

I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.

It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency

I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.

It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it

“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb

Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous

“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.

WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes

Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.

Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.

“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”

“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

Perfect.

Dog: I don’t get it

Me: What don’t you get?

Dog: Just go over it again

Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food

Dog: *tilts head* What?

Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.

Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?

Dumb Bob: You add S.

T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.

DB: [writes] SNAIL

With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.