Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…

soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints

jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you

cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me

me: no go away

cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad

Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.

Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…

Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].

Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.

Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room

With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.

Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.

Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this

My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession

The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”

bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster

[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?

Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.

Househunters, but for birds

Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.

Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops

Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick

A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don’t use Web MD

The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.

Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread

My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.

Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME

If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.

– inventor of steel

If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store

“Hey. My eye is up here.”

– hurricanes

ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments

A lot of folks out there missing the point…

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.

If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.

I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.