Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
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[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”