*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
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Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
this got me crying😭😭
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
i’m gonna allow it
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
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not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads