Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.

Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?

[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*

Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.

‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’

– Our sodding cat

Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?

Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH

Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.

My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing

Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married

Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.

*whispers*
Judged you.

[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it

Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?

Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.

I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.

hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING

(Fancy restaurant)

Me: One food please.

I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.

I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.

Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.

CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…

Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP

The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.

Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.

How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.

Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.