Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sloth 911: What’s your emergency

[1 week later]

Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT

[1 week later]

Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?

Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit

If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”

Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy

Angel: yes that’s why you’re here

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.

I flunked out of flight attendant school.

I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.

Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.

My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.

Me: That’ll bring you good luck!

8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.

Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram

Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.

Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?

Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.

me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark

Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.

Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.

*getting a deli sandwich*

person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?

me: yes

person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price

me: that’s ok I’m good

person: it’s FREE cheese tho

me: I don’t want that much cheese

person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”

If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card

*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?

Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY

Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.

Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills

Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?

Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.

I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.

Jupiter