Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam

Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…

The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day

ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid

[God inventing pain]

God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.

Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?

God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not

I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.

telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”

saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes

I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.

She’s not dead, just very condescending.

I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals

I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.

Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!

Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!

this is one of the best threads in twitter history

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet

judge: how do you plead

me: *burps* excuse me

judge: you are excused

me: [running away] gottem lol

Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.

one last job

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

When’s dinner?

-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner

glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another

If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”

Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?

My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude

If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”

If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.

If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.

The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”

Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911

Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?

Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?