Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.

Good guy: *kills henchman*

Henchman: wow

Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you

Henchman: WOW

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.

Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”

The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them

Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.

Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.

Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.

Know your sleep disorders!

Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.

Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.

Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.

Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.

I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?

Santa: *deep sigh*

Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Covid?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?

S: *nods vigorously*

Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.

“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers

A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.

A charcuterie board is just dry soup

inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*

“Wait, if you’re here then that means”

*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*

I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔

It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.

pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there

her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?

schrödinger: yes and no

NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.

ME: It’s fullnerable.

WIFE: Get out.

Here, let me loosen those morals for you.

Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background

I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.

One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room