Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
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Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
this is literally a CIA plant
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Already got one
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.