Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
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no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
not seeing the problem
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat