Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
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I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Möther may I have a snäck
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.