Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore

a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.

Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.

Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;

1/Walk slow

2/Stop for no reason

3/Repeat above

How’d you get those bruises?

*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*

Karate.

When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us

My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.

To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please

RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?

ME (has a degree in computer science): No

starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side

WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you

wife: omg what are you doing?

me: wrapping presents

wife:

me:

wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!

[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me

The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.

A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.

If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?

got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.

I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.

My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets

Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.

Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.

The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.

I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.

I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

Ways to get me naked:

1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist

My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.