Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.

my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself

Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?

Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!

🎶we are never ever ever getting back together

– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine

House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*

me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines

me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff

Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.

[writing my will]

me: what is cremation

lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash

me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu

If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.

I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course

How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”

Dear scientists,

We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer

I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.

Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…

The difference is Staggering.

I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.

Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”

I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.

So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?

No, the cars are much faster.

Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film

Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers

Woman: you mean he’s

Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care

*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*

Me serving decaf

Yes, but it was never about money

Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.

Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?

Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!

genie: hello-

me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade

I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.

My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.