Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores

mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey

Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.

Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?

I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka

Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair

I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.

“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys

When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”

me: how much for the boquet of dogs

girl walking dogs: huh

me: *slipping her $5* how about now

Meeeee too!

guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy

Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like

“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter

Hero horse inspires millions

My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing

Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between

I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.

The stickier the better.

-Rice, obviously

Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!

My wife: Yeah, like his dad

Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*

I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.

i wish all

whales

a very

big

vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.

Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah

If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.