Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
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Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
