Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day

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Him: I just want a stable relationship.
Me: Yeah, horses are cool.
Him: ……..

Flirting is hard, you guys.


If you ever come home and I’m in your house naked, I’m not stalking you. I just needed to borrow your wine opener, mine broke.


Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*


Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”


COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search


*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*


“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”


If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.


I’m just one more bad decision away from my own reality show.