Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
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My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Me trying to reach for my goals
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.