Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge

Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.

And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.

We’re having lobsters for dinner .

Update – we have pet lobsters now

Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives

[High School Reunion]

Him: I started my own Law Firm last year

Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story

gf: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i act like i know everything?

gf: yea-

me: i knew it

Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?

I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife

I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.

Friend: Oh, OCD?

Me: Children.

[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*

2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.

they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding

Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else

Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.

“You make me so wet.”

– me, to my shower.

It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.

Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!

Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!

I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.

John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe

Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?

John Hammond: Haha what

If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.

Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand

I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny

Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND

I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps

*watches someone skateboard off a roof

…hold my beer

Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀