returning to work after a holiday weekend like
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Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger