returning to work after a holiday weekend like
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I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
what does he know…
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now