returning to work after a holiday weekend like
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My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
doing some research
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
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THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky