Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
What makes us human?
Selecting all images with traffic lights
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
