Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
never compromise your values
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
