[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
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happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
How do I get a job writing these texts
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
bros in the example zone 😭
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Optional boss fight.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party