Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?

If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.

The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.

[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are

3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!

This is every influencer giving “advice.”

With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?

*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?

Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.

I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.

I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.

#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness

Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?

Me: I wanted to watch it again.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.

The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.

I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.

I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.

[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers

Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.

“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”

* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I think people find me intimidating

Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-

Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON

DOG 911: So

DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.

Husband: Um, what are you doing?

Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor

Husband:…

Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels

On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.

Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?

my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast

me, making an omelette: what

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”

You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?

Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.

“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards

my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs

I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.