Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I can’t make it in today.

Boss: How sick are you?

M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.

B: Jesus, you ARE sick.

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard

Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”

Me: “oh I see you”

Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”

Me: “yeah floor it”

99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.

Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy

ME: [bird watching]

PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)

BABY GOT BACKYARD

Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor

By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?

You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.

Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.

I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*

I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.

I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2

*yells from space*

Did you kill that spider?!

My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.

me: *barges into the room*

How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!

me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please

villain:

villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice

me: oh shit

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.

The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.

Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately

[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.

I don’t share cheese on the first date.

Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.

I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.

For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.

[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?

*Refrigerator hums loudly*

I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.