Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”

I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another

One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.

What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?

Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.

*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.

The rest of the year

May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators

Her: Does that dog actually play chess?

Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.

*Dog Barks

Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.

Son: But I’m not hungry!

Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!

Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible

You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled

I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.

I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.

Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.

Autocarrot sucks!

Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.

me: do you have spaghetti?

mcdonalds cashier: …no

me: would you like some?

[ouija board]

me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now

ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E

me: ….please stop

I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.

mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates

My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.

I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong

As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.

Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.

I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.

Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.