Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
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Britain be like
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley