*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
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Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Be vigilant
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
time machine? you mean a clock?
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
God tier horse name today on the sims
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Just got to our Airbnb!
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse