[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
You Might Also Like
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
same bro
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
can’t bark with your mouth full
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.