*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
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wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
A new level of troll.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
pls suprot
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]