Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise

The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,

“Hi”.

No one:

My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree

“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.

I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.

Love it! 👍😂

Me: How many would be the equivalent?

Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-

Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?

[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too

[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well

[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict

Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

*first day at gymnastics class*

Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!

Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.

Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good

I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.

My husband and I are having a serious fight.

Do you think I should let him know about it?

Friend: I want a baby.

Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right

How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now

they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

*phone rings

Me: Hello?

Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?

Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!

I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.

How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?

Asking for a friend.

Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.

Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.

I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.

[first date]

Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol

Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape

There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.