Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.

Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE

“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”

Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?

It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

[at the club]

Me: I got the moves

Her: it’s “runs”

[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*

she has a smile full of sesame seeds

me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money

me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one

[a commercial for tampons]

Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for

“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”

Narrator: “Tampons”

Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running

*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable

Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers

Boss: you’re late

Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court

Boss: I hate you

The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house

Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.

Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.

[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?

Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.

Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.

As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.

[first day in prison]

“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”

What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom

You probably get this a lot but…

*punches you in the face*

Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise

Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now

Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.

Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.