Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon

Wednesday

God: let there be light!

vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now

Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…

But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face

picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?

Dear All,

During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.

Yours truly,
Psychiatrist

Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.

If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?

I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished

We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.

I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.

Like sleeping!

If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.

Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.

[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?

me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software

me in 2023: any day now probably

My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog

wife: do you need help in there?

me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.

One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?

Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.

my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her

Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost

No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..

Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.

Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man

Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.