Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.

I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.

I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.

Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼‍♀️

*First date*

Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!

Me: I love you and really mean it someday..

Him:

Me: there’s no pleasing some people

if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally

New Year, New Me

New Me [looking around]: absolutely not

What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?

I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.

a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering

Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*

Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.

(grounding my kid) go outside.

i love modern commerce

Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.

When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy

How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.

My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?

Me: recently?

[ordering from the dollar menu]

me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please

All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.

*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.

I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’

HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*

MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.

*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall

Me: OMG, what a great day!

Anxiety: Wait for it…

Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas

If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.