Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”

“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.

“No, lots of wine bags.”

Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee

But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?

yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road

I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse

In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.

every time I roll over in the middle of the night

*whistling*

Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?

Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.

Husband: But It’s real blood.

Me: *continues whistling*

Jigsaw: I want to play a game

Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games

Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG

Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.

Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.

I know

7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kids

Kids are such fast learners these days

Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat

My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.

strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs

I told my therapist that I’ve given CPR to 3 different people in 3 separate incidents at a particular grocery store and she advised me to stop going there.
That’s good shit right there

[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?

My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.

If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”

God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me

I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.

This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?

Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Funeral Director: Please leave sir

Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.