Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
You Might Also Like
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.