Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
You Might Also Like
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
My dad is at it again