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dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a 10, but imaginary
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.