Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you

I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

Me: Which cup do you want?

2-year-old: That one!

Me: Let’s pick a different one.

2-year-old: No!

*drinks milk from a shot glass*

My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.

terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: i said come with me if

me: i heard you the first time

We all have our pet causes.

*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No

A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*

When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.

5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?

Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?

5:

Me:

5: I’ll borrow another dollar.

Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?

Clerk: That’s an egg.

gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket

Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing

I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.

I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.

kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool

About to throw up

How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.

me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination

me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume

Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.

Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.

Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.

Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon

in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down

Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.

My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭