Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
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Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.